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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Where is home?

I'm back in my blog which can only mean one thing: I'm restless. I'm thinking too much. I'm feeling too much. I'm overwhelmed with something and I don't yet know what it is. I so want to identify it - name it - put it in a box and control it - but I can't. It kept me up last night until 2:30AM - it kept me pacing around the house talking to myself - talking to the floor and the walls and the couch and the blanket - asking these things why they contain me - why they hold me here - if here is where I should be - if this is where I belong - and most importantly do I belong anywhere?

I remember sitting at the lunch table in middle school thinking that I didn't belong and no one liked me - here I am 25 years later and I still feel like that kid at the lunch table looking around at all the other kids wondering if I'm the only one that feels this way. I can't put my finger on it. I don't know what it is that causes this feeling but I want it to go back in to its murky darkness.

I'd like to run away for a few months and see if in running I can't find some answers - but where would I go? Wherever I go I take myself and that's really what I need a break from last night. I was in all the places I've lived for any significant amount of time in one week and it has me reeling. I grew up in California and I love it there - I love the mountains and the trees and the golden poppies - but it isn't home anymore. I was in Dallas for a friend's birthday and I don't like it there yet I sat across from three very dear friends and had a real conversation with them about real things and as much as I don't love it in Texas I felt me and real and seen and heard and loved - but it isn't home either. Then I came back to my current residence in Chicago and I love it here too. I love the lake and the changing seasons and the politics and the acceptance - but it's a lonely place - people here are busy and hurried and I am busy and hurried and I work and worry too much and my partner and I have very few moments these days where we sit across the table and don't just look at each other - we SEE each other. Yet I am seen in this place. I am in a relationship for the first time in my entire life where someone has seen me for exactly who I am - the good, the bad, the really bad and the divine - where they have seen all of that and they like and love me for it all - not in spite of it but for it.

So where is home? Is home where my partner is? Is home where my friends are? Is home where my parents are? Will I ever have a home if I don't learn to be my own safe haven? Will I ever have a home if I don't first befriend myself? Will I ever have a home if I don't take care of my health and my happiness? I know the answer. Right now I have no home because I don't fully dwell in myself.

I can't take a page out of Eat, Pray, Love and go find myself in beautiful exotic places and in the end fall in love and have an exciting romance. I have a job and responsibilities and a relationship that I cherish and so I need to find a way to have that experience here, in my office or in my living room or while taking a picture. I do need an Eat, Pray, Love moment but the food that I eat needs to be nourishment of my soul and esteem for myself and not more pasta...the prayer that I pray needs to be for shedding the things I don't need rather than finding more and the love that I find has to be for myself and my value and not for another (I have that already).

Writing it is the easy part. Now I have to figure out how to do it. I have to figure out how not to have this same type of post the next time I sit down at the computer to spill my overflowing thoughts...I don't want to bore myself and anyone reading with the same questions year after year after year...

This is something I can say from the bottom of my heart - and it seems appropriate since it just became Thanksgiving day a few minutes ago - I am grateful. I am so very grateful. I have this heaviness I carry around inside me and I'm not my own best cheerleader but I am blessed and I am aware of how blessed I am every day. I am gainfully employed and loved by a wonderful human and have a few good friends in this world that love me very much. I am blessed. I am loved and I do deserve that love. Now I need a home.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Big Weeks

It's been a big couple of weeks - to put it lightly. I told my parents I live with my partner...I moved in to a new place...I am interviewing for a new job...I scheduled sinus parents came for my surgery...I had my surgery...I stayed over in the hospital after surgery...I've been home for a few days now with my partner and my parents and my sinuses...and we are all healing. I didn't realize how broken I felt not being authetic with my own family...I am after all an adult lying to her family...but it felt necessary to insulate us all in our happy/unhappy denial. But now here it is - I was in need of surgery and wanted my family here - I was moving and it all seemed to come together. I'm sure I'll be processing these feelings and thoughts for days but I'd like to hang on to this feeling for just a bit and marinate in it. It feels like some tiny thing that was dark and broken was brought in to the light and fixed. Nothing Earth shattering happened except that for the first time in a long time...long before I started dating women even...I allowed my family in to my every day life and they still liked me...and still loved me...and maybe liked me more than before for having seen me as I am as an adult rather than who I was as a youth.

I want to start thinking about what I eat, why I eat and how to be kinder to myself in those choices. As my nose heals I hope some of my soul heals as well. I hope to let down a little of this need to be perceived as who I am supposed to be and allow people to accept me for who I am.

I miss my Dallas friends today. I wish they were here. I do love my new friends here and am starting to build a little community. It takes time but it is happening. I am going to try and sleep and perhaps tomorrow this will seem more clear.

Friday, May 14, 2010

I've been working far too much lately (theme of my life you'll notice) and haven't taken any time for myself or my life. My life has gone completely unattended. I have all this drama at work and I am trying to get some perspective on it, remove myself from the drama and figure out how to either peacefully exist in the situation or extract myself from it. I just want to work hard, be rewarded for that work and go home and have time for a life. Lacking balance. I head off for another work trip. My project has gone crazy and I leave for Germany Sunday afternoon. I hope to have something funny and witty to write about very soon. For now, I think I'll try and get some sleep.

Friday, April 30, 2010


My camera is collecting dust. It travelled with me to the UK and didn't come out of its bag. Many reasons, none important. I have trouble being the me that is me. I am analytical and creative at the same time but it is hard to have one foot in each world. When I analyze the creative suffers. When I am creative the analysis suffers. How do I find a balance? I'm not quite sure.

I realized today that I am the last holdout of my friends to have kids. I wonder what this says about me. My friends either have them or are trying to have them yet I am stuck in a 20's mindset of thinking that I am too young...yet in truth I am too old...I would be a high risk pregnancy if I were to decide on that route. I still don't know that I want kids but I think that I don't want them for the wrong reasons...I think that I don't want them because I HAD one and placed him for adoption. I have a hard time relating him to what if that were true of children I raise? OK, that is a much deeper blog for a much deeper time.

Anyway...this was about photography. I need to get my camera out and start snapping. That was my goal this year and so far I am only partially successful.

More to come on the kids thing...I obviously have thoughts on that and they are unresolved.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Lovely, brilliant and squiffy

I was in England for two weeks - a very long time to be away and NOT be on vacation. I am on the project from hell at work and it has me travelling for two weeks every two weeks. This time it was out office just a few miles from Windsor. It's crazy to me that you walk around the town of Windsor doing shopping...getting coffee...eating lunch...all RIGHT next to a castle. It's nuts. There's a castle. Right there. A castle. Weird. It's huge and big and the Queen stays there. A castle.

So there are a few words that my British colleagues say a lot and I've suddenly picked them up like some sort of linguistic chameleon. I sound like Madonna when she went through her "I live in LA but speak with an English accent" phase. So I find myself saying things like, "brilliant" or "lovely" or my favorite, "squiffy." I didn't mean to go there an pick up new words, although technically only "squiffy" is new - I just never really use the other two. It just happened.

Something else I noticed while there: the English think the Americans are rude...I don't think it is that we are more rude than they are we just don't have inherently polite accents. I heard a man say to a woman, "get out of my way bloody woman." That was rude yet when he said it there was still a polite accent that made him sound better than if an American politely said, "excuse me." It is terribly unfair but it is what it is.

I spent the day today getting food stuff ready for the week. I'm exhausted and wondering when I became a domesticated animal...I am a good cook I am just not known for my womanly care taking skills. But I did meal planning and so I got ready what I could. So the pork tenderloin is marinating in the yummy mojo sauce (Monday's dinner), the chicken is marinating in the yummy tomato/basil sauce (Tuesday), the pesto is made from the basil I picked from my counter top garden (Wednesday's dinner) and my lovely salmon/cream cheese/dill spread is whipped for my snacks. I even decided to make an orange and cranberry granata (sp?) for dessert so they are cooling before going in the freezer. We'll see how those turn out.

So now I am going to try a drink that my friend Denise says soothes her soul...I don't know about all that but it sounds good so I'm off to make myself a Yerba Mate tea with steamed milk and agave nectar. I'll let you know how that turns out...if there's anyone out there who reads this drivel.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Up too late

I leave for the airport in a few hours and I should be sleeping but I can't. I'm so tired I'm unable to sleep. I am headed off for two weeks in the UK for work and I'm not looking forward to the long trip and being away for another two weeks. I made the mistake of checking my email to see that I am being asked to be in our Santa Clara office for the entire month of May. That's going to go over like a lead balloon here at home. I can't even imagine having that conversation...and I have NO desire to be gone a month. I am going to have to talk to them and work something out...that's just too much. I know they need a team of supporting the go live of our new system but ouch.

I perfected my mojito combination tonight...perhaps the rush of simple syrup is what is keeping me up tonight...that and some deep thinking...I should probably write about all that but I think I'll hold off for now and keep all those thoughts to myself. Overall a good day but would like to have ended it with some sleep. Perhaps on the plane. It's a direct flight and with the time change I'll get in at bed time - which will work out well - I'll be sleepy.

OK, I'm going to work on my pics from Venice and Mexico and see if I can't get closer to done with those. Cheerio.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Bed Time Photos

Took these the first night in Mexico. I was a little tipsy on champagne and Susan was passed out from being sleepy. Here's the product of that strange combo...but i like the way they turned out...somewhere between creepy and sweet.

And in last sinus cavity!

Went to the ear/nose/throat doc today. I keep getting sick with sinus yuckiness and finally broke down and went to the doctor. I HATE...and I mean HATE stuff being stuck up my nose. I won't even use nasal spray without throwing some kind of crazy fit about it. I'm a terrible nose patient (and as you can guess not a nose-picker). But after the sinus drama I had in September (short story is sinus infection lead to nose bleed for hours and hours. nose bleed lead to emergency room which lead to a nose tampon/balloon thing which lead to an allergic reaction which lead to LOTS of pain which lead to going back to the ER to get the nose tampon/balloon out of my nose which lead to weeks of drainage fluid constantly running out of my nose from the face swelling which lead to lots of dry, cracked, raw skin which lead to sticking wads of Kleenex up my nose which lead to a Kleenex shortage which lead to the depletion of yet another rain forest which lead to not enough oxygen in the air which lead to too much carbon dioxide which lead to sick people which lead to more sick people which lead to sick people travelling which lead to people dying of foreign germs which lead to the end of the world which makes me wonder if the Earth is over why am I sitting here writing this blog - I'm the only survivor - I should be looting or something)...where was I?

Oh yes, after Sinus drama in September I've had one sinus infection after another and had to see a specialist who wants to do surgery AND wants me to do this water nasal wash thing twice a day which of course entails sticking water up one side of your nose, letting it run out the other side of your nose, rinse and repeat. Ew. Gross. Yuck. Disgusting. Ick. so I didn't go back but now I got sick while on antibiotics from another sick and I am worn down (and leaving the country for another two weeks of work travel so of course I will be giving foreign germs out to Londoners like candy at Halloween...only gross).

So he tries to put the scope in the left side of my nose - which didn't work - because it is swollen shut - which explains why when I tried to do the nasty water nose-rinse thing all that happened was water backing up in my nose then running down my throat simultaneously gagging/choking and drowning me. Again, gross. Then a CT scan where he informs me that my left side of sinuses and the right side are now in a competition for last place in the sinus cavities he's seen that day - and I was in his waiting room seeing all the old people with mangled noses - this is NOT something I aspire to.

So maybe surgery when I get back. He wrote me a scrip for new antibiotics and...of course...nasal spray which I have to squirt three times a day...because that's how life goes for me. Karma's a this because of the rain forest problem I created? Hmmmm. deep thoughts.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I haven't written in a while and now I'm too tired to write but I'll jot a bit down anyway. I wanted so much to blog about Venice while I was there. It was amazing and interesting and I learned a lot about myself on that little jaunt. I will have to write about it before I can no longer access how I was feeling while there. It already seems like so very long ago and it was just a matter of weeks.

I am at the office at 9:40 at night. It's the end of our fiscal year and my group works like slaves during this time - too much work, not enough resources, blah blah blah. I am going to go home soon but needed a brain break.

I can't wait to have some time to spend editing and posting the Venice pictures. Some turned out quite nice. I'm going to Mexico for a few days and then I have another work trip to England for two weeks. That's a long time to be gone and it's my third or fourth time to be away that long. A weekend in England should be nice. Hopefully I won't have to work and my camera and I can take another trip.

Friday, March 12, 2010

A new love

I think I may be in love with Italy. The people - so nice, so gracious and so genuine. The food - wow...I can't begin to do the food justice with the adjectives I know. The shopping - the leather for purses and handbags - the clothing that I'll probably never fit in but could look at all day. The architecture - it is rich and old and beautiful yet the city is clean and fresh and vibrant. It's amazing.

My parents met a lady in Venice who came here for vacation with her husband and when she went back home to New York she realized that the place in the world she'd been longing for was in Italy. She'd thought it was some internal happiness that she could find if she could do more yoga or put in more community service hours but it was actually a physical location where she felt that in tune and tuned in. She felt at home. She left her home in New York and moved to Venice where she gives tours to Americans. She and her husband are still married and see each other three times a year. I can almost understand why she did all that. There is something truly magical about this place. It is so rich and beautiful - I didn't get that when I was here years ago - I was too young to appreciate its inner and outer beauty.

I won't be leaving home and uprooting my life to live here but I will be figuring out a way to get back soon and spend a good long while visiting, photographing and enjoying the vibrations of this amazing place. The owner of the restaurant described her food as coming from the "woman energy of the hands" - I think that this place has the woman energy of the gods hands.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Buona notte

I am in Italy so I feel I need to use itallics for a font - something fancier than usual as Italy is a fancy place. I am staying at a Marriott which is generally a nice hotel but not a fancy hotel. The chandelier in the lobby is this large clear and pink crystal sculpture with flowers and intricate is so gaudy that it is pretty...sort of. I need to snap a picture to really is something.
So far, true to a work trip form, I've seen very little outside the hotel and office. I'm venturing out for dinners within walking distance but haven't laid eyes on a single pretty shoe yet, except the ones I brought, and they don't count. The people here are very gracious. They aren't annoyed or irritated that I don't speak their language. Many speak English but fewer than anywhere else I've travelled (excpet maybe the Southern states in the US!). They try hard to point and mime and gesture so we can communicate in some fashion.
Thursday the shops are open a bit later so Rebecca, a fabulous gal from England, is taking us shopping. She's a young little thing who moved to Italy to follow the love of her life...who doesn't speak any English...and she speaks no Italian...but they seem to get along just fine. He's learned a little English...she's learned a little Italian...and they mostly speak in tongues. Sorry, bad joke. So Thursday I will get to see Milan.
The thing I wanted to see most while here is the Last Supper fresco - but sadly you have to reserve a time to see it and there is no remaining time left this week. So, another day perhaps. I am excited about venturing out on my own - but a little nervous. It will be fun.
I need to write about my trip to New Orleans but I haven't processed it yet so I will sit with it a while longer and then write. I left feeling happy and sad at the same time - I need to understand that better.
So I think I am losing my internet connection now - my 24 hour card ran out which means it is time to go to bed. Buona notte

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Wasting Time which takes a weird turn to talking about my Mom...

I should be working right now but...well...I have very little job motivation right now. So, I'll blog. What about? Most likely nothing. I'm too awake to do nothing and too sleepy to be witty and too unmotivated to do the pile of work on my desk so I suppose I'll just write a few lines, waste a little time, then start to feel guilty about not working and go back to work. I really should have been Catholic or Jewish with all the guilt I carry. I guess the only thing keeping me from it is the lack of an overbearing mother - I hear that before you can convert to either you have to prove that your mother is meddling and overbearing by playing a minimum of 3 voicemails, recorded back to back, where your mother couldn't stop giving your voicemail advice and talked so much she ran out of time...twice.

I guess I'll have to remain in my current religion (which is still being defined) because my Mother leaves short messages that are something to the effect of, "call me and let me know you are alive" or "I haven't talked to you in two weeks - just letting you know we're alive - no need to call, nothing has changed so we don't have anything to say." I read a book once made up entirely of a woman who wrote down the things her mother would leave on her answering machine. It was hilarious. I don't know if it would be hilarious if it were my mother...I can't picture her telling me that my womb was drying up like a desert, staying hydrated only by the tears it cried over being lonely...but it makes for a great book if your Mom does stay stuff like that. I need to write a book and have nothing to write Mom and I need to have a chat...she needs to step it up a notch or I'll have to have a casting call for a Catholic or Jewish mother.

OK, the guilt that my non-denominational-evangelical-type mother instilled in me is kicking in so I can spend no more time on this blog during work hours. That was my little mind break...back to work!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Living things welcome here

I came home from Malaysia wanting to be a better citizen of planet Earth. Susan...who didn't know this until I got home but must be able to hear my thoughts, bought me an AeroGarden for my birthday. I love plants but I don't have much luck with them. I have one hearty plant that lives out of its own sheer will to survive in this house.

So Lilly, the one lone plant has now been replanted in water to increase her chances for survival. It's been a week and she's doing well in her new hydro-home.

Now Lilly has friends. We planted the herb kit that came with the AeroGarden and have 6 out of 7 herbs sprouting. One of them takes longer than 7 days to sprout so I'm still waiting on it to come out of its seed. I'm a very impatient gardener so I've been trying to talk nice to the plant but today I had to tell it that it's other plant buddies were making it look bad and they needed to step it up. Maybe I should talk nicer to my plants but hey, it's tough out there and they need to know what it's like - tough love time!

We went to the nursery to buy seeds to this sea sponge plant grower thing my Mom got me for my birthday (she too must have felt my cosmic-green shift!). I planted some seeds in it but didn't follow the directions so nothing to show there...i have seeds sprouting in a dish and will transplant them when they are ready...the point was that at the nursery two more plants came to live with us. Pictured here are Mr. Miagi (the bonsai) and Bart (can't remember what plant Bart is but he is named so for his spikey hair).

So word must be out that we are a plant-friendly family and plants are finding us now. We were admiring a friend's big ficus tree Saturday night. Sunday night Susan takes out the trash and sitting right by our trash can is a ficus tree in need of serious love. Ficus drop their leaves when stressed and this poor thing must be really really stressd. So now we welcome Oliver, the Ficus tree. He is Oliver since he is an orphan and we took him in. Aw. Now doesn't that warm your heart with natural energy? I hope to have pictures of a less-stressed and fully leaved Oliver soon.

Sunday, February 21, 2010


I took my camera with me all weekend. I didn't take many pictures but having it with me made me feel better...more myself. We spent Saturday running around. While Susan got a massage I went shopping in the local boutiques for a host gift for our dinner friends Dan and Jim. After buying a fabulous candle called "Butch," a gourmet EVOO (yes, I've adopted Rachel Ray speak) and a bottle of wine we went and hung out at a local pub. They had these gorgeous lanterns that case patterns of light on the ceiling which I photographed, much to the amusement of other bar-goers. These things make me feel better when I struggle. I do better when I have my camera in my bag and can look at the world in a series of framed-out shots. It's not so overwhelming that way. Life seems more manageable when I see it through a frozen image. It's not so much about hiding behind the lens...although sometimes that helps it is narrowing my scope of vision and looking for beauty in the ordinary. The bar was nothing spectacular but here was this one thing that I found so beautiful. That's how life should be outside my camera but I'm learning more about how to live while I'm behind it.
So, here's a few shots from the bar. Enjoy.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Dark Blanket

I've battled depression most of my life. I don't mean the blues or teenage angst - I mean in need of medication sometimes debilitating depression. I've been pill-free for the last two years and I've done pretty well. I keep too tight a reign on my emotions but it keeps me level so while it has some negative repercussions on my life it does more good then harm.

I've really struggled lately to keep it all in check. It's an exhausting battle to stay above it. It feels like treading mud instead of water. I often want to just stop treading and give in but once you let it seep in a little it takes over. It spreads like a cancer until all your thoughts and feelings are dark and all light in you is completely turned out.

When you are teetering in that in between place - between being well and being sick - it is much harder to stay well. Staying well requires a lot of thought, self-awareness and energy where being sick only requires giving in. When you hover just above it, depression looks like a soft, comfortable, warm blanket. You just want to crawl under it and stop fighting; give in to it and let it take over...but you know you can't. You know you will may never get up again if you lay down.

My Grandfather died of no particular medical reason. He was depressed for the last ten years of his life. He fought depression off and on his entire life. My greatest fear is that I'll end up just like him. Susan says I'm too self-aware to allow myself to get to that dark a place. My Mom says that my Grandfather couldn't get past his depression because he was unable to forgive and I am not like him in that regard. That's all comforting but I'm not sure I can afford to be convinced. I'm not sure I can get too comfortable in their faith in me. I don't want to live on emotional lock-down but for me emotions are so scary - they feel like they could lead to the end of me - that I could give in one day and ten years later I'm still there, under the blanket that instead of being a comfort has become a prison. My Grandfather was a prisoner in his own mind. When well he was kind, strong, hard-working, active, funny and loved all of us with a passion. When he was sick he was paranoid, sad, dark, sometimes mean, selfish and petty.

I love soft, warm, fuzzy blankets but I've got to stay away from this one. I've also got to find a balance between emotional lock-down and emotional takeover.

Well that was a good session of over-sharing. Time for some sleep.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Photo unrelated to blog - at a mosque in Kuala Lumpur and this struck me as funny for some reason.
A few weeks ago I was letting my VP know that I needed a new job. He asked me what I wanted to do - to which I had no answers. I had a list of "nots" and "don'ts" but not a list of "do" - which today in the tour bus it dawned on me why I am attracting the wrong things in life right now - I'm using too many "nots."

I read somewhere (I think it was "A New Earth" but I'm not sure) that the brain doesn't understand the negative in the sentence. So if I say that "I hope my flight is not late" my brain hears "I hope my flight is late" thus attracting the wrong thing. Positive thinking writers an speakers will tell you to project what you DO want in order to attract it. Which leaves me with a problem - I have no idea what I want.

If I imagine my perfect life I wouldn't have a normal job - but I wouldn't be worrying about cash flow and retirement funds either. I'm not sure that is realistic. I imagine spending a few months out of the year in a third world country helping sick people heal, building homes for homeless and feeding the hungry. The next few months of the year I'd spend writing about...well whatever inspired me at the moment. I see me, my MacBook (projecting a Mac in to my future), a cup of tea I've never tried before and a cool little cafe - fingers flying on the keyboard - words flowing from brain to fingers without pause for evaluation or analysis. Next I would travel for a few months, on a publishers dime, to do a travelers guide. I'd be my own photographer. Then, in the summer, I'd spend my time at arts fairs selling the jewelry I made, photos I'd taken and signing copies of my books.

So how do I get from here to there? Ah! Plane arrived - I'll have to think more about it and catch up later.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Off to see Malaysia

I've been in Malaysia for six days now and am finally going to get to go sight seeing. So far all I've seen is the hotel, the office, a restaurant or two and then back to the hotel. I've seen the view from my window (pictured here), which is quite nice but not completely satisfying. I need to get out there and soak it in!

I'm excited. I've been working from 10AM to 11PM every day so far and my flight doesn't leave until this I am going to do what every busy traveller does - a bus tour around the city. It's not my favorite way to see a new place - especially somewhere so far away that I may not travel to again - but when in a time crunch go for a double decker bus tour. It's cheesy, it's silly but it's effective. So I have time for checkout, lunch and then off to see the city.
I'm usually a thoughtful traveller. I buy a book, do my research, talk to people that have been there and find out what is worthwhile. I prioritize and decide what I want to do and then I choose one thing a day I want to do so that I have plenty of time for soaking in the culture, sitting in a cafe sipping some local drink and taking it all in. No time for that today - it's a work trip - chop chop. That's OK. I have a few hours and I'll thoroughly enjoy them.

I forgot my camera which is heartbreaking. I can hardly imagine seeing a new place through two eyes rather than a lens. The iPhone camera will have to do today - it is certainly easier to carry around.

So I'm off...then catching a plane...then home...then try to stay awake for the Super Bowl (Go Colts!)

Babblings from another country

It has been so long since I've attempted to write. I realized tonight that my life is too full of clutter and noise to be able to hear my thoughts, hear my heart and speak any kind of truth about me and who I am. I used to feel certain I knew myself but lately I feel me, myself and I are estranged. I'd like to get reacquainted.

I tried to think about what I'm doing or feeling when I am most genuine and connected with myself. I'm sad to say that the things I do that make me feel alive are the things I spend very little energy on. I feel I am being truly me when I am cooking, writing, organizing (I can't help it...I am creative but am MUCH too cerebral for my own good), beading or photographing.

So in thinking about photography I realized that I don't photograph people. I looked at an old friend's photo website - she is this cool bohemian chick who designs fingerless arm gloves and photographs people. Her photos capture people's souls. She brings something good out in everyone around her. She rarely photographs a thing - it's always a person. She does this because she is so comfortable in her own skin and is so open to others that the camera is a connector between her and other people. The camera is a buffer for me. I'm uncomfortable with other people because I'm uncomfortable with me. I'm not sure when that happened but it isn't an acceptable way to live life.

I want to be open and warm and friendly and free instead of guarded and wary and cerebral and trapped. I have to leave my corporate job. I know that I do. I don't know what I'll do instead. That's scary. I'm giving myself 2010 to figure myself out and come up with a plan. I like my cushy salary and the sense of worth I get from being good at what I do but at the end of the day I work for some people that sell some stuff. If I were snuffed off the planet tomorrow I didn't leave enough footprints on the Earth for it to know I was here and that I'm gone. That's not the life I want to live.

So how to I go from living life in my head to living life in my heart? I am as real and genuine a person as I know how to be but somewhere in the last few years of my life I have lost myself in all the business, noise and clutter. I am never really alone with me and my thoughts. I am never really connecting with other people on a deeper level - not even my partner. That is a hard thing to admit. Why I am admitting it on the web I am not sure but there is a certain comfort in admitting your shortcomings for public consumption even if there is no public.

I'd like to be a little more bohemian.
I'd like to be a lot more open.
I'd like to be a little more spiritual.
I'd like to be a lot more creative.
I'd like to be a little more giving.
I'd like to be a lot more active.
I'd like to reach out to others and in service to them help myself.

It is 1AM in Malaysia and I fly home tomorrow. I should try and get some sleep. Tomorrow I will explore the city of Kuala Lumpur on my own for a few hours before I get on a plane. I'm looking forward to being my own company.

Oh...I am going to commit to taking a photo every day for the next 3 months. Today's is my profile pic. I was laying there feeling contemplative and wondered what others see when they see that's today's photo. I probably won't be able to post one every day but I'll take it and play catch-up.