Home - a follow up



My Mom and I at Christmas in the Keys - Swordfishing



My visit to see my family was rough and fantastic all at the same time. I know they love me - but I so crave their approval and affirmation - which is something that is hard to come by in my family. It is especially rough with my Mom. But I feel like we turned a little bit of a corner. On Sunday, while I was visiting with my Partner's family, my Mom went to the hospital with chest pains. She was fine but had to go for stress tests and one of those indicated the need for a heart cath. That has all turned out fine as well but I think it served as a reminder for both of us that our time together isn't guaranteed so we need to make the most of it. I went back over Sunday night and stayed with them. It was a totally different feeling - less tense and more open and real. It was a very pleasant evening and a better end to the visit. I'm glad I went back or I would have left Texas feeling discouraged, unhappy and dissatisfied with our visit.

I'm never going to have the relationship I want with them but I can have a different one. I can call more and be around more and show them that I love them - even if I'm not exactly who they want me to be. I haven't shown that enough. So, things ended on a better note than where we started, for which I'm grateful...but I still need therapy! :)

Home?

I am in my parent's home. It is not where I grew up. I have never lived in this house so I don't know if I can call it home. I love them and I am so happy to be with them but I hate that we are so distant. Not just in distance but in emotion. I have always sought their approval and acceptance and right or wrong I always feel like I fail. Today was certainly no exception. I wish I knew how to not need or want this. I wish I knew how to be enough for myself by myself. I sadly do not. It shreds my heart when my mother does not care that I am moving closer. It hurts to feel her silent disapproval when I speak of my partner. I want her to see all the other things about me that she can be proud of but sadly I don't think she sees anything but what she perceives as my lost potential.

On the up side I guess I know what I will be discussing in therapy next week.

I love you Mom. I hope we learn to relate to each other better before our chance is gone.


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Creative space

Today I made something and it felt good to be a little artistic and learn something new. Well be retaught something old. I took a seeing class and made this pillow. It's just a pillow but it signified a new chapter for me where I have the time to learn new things and create. Taking more classes coming up in two weeks and start my photo classes soon. Wow. I might actually achieve balance in my life after all.



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You are Enough

You are enough.

Right now.

The way you are. In this very moment. Is enough.

You do not have to do anything. Say anything. Think anything.

Change Anything.

You do not have to fulfill anything. Be anything. Become anything.

You are enough the way you are.

Let go of the standards and expectations others place on you.

Let go of the standards and expectations you place on yourself.

Put it down like the baggage that it is...

like the garbage it has become...

like something you've held in your hand for so long and suddenly realized has rotted...

...put it down.

Quiet the voice inside your head that says you are not enough.

You are not pretty enough...

you are not smart enough...

you are not kind enough...

you are not doing enough…

Silence your inner mother. Silence your inner father. Silence your inner family, friends, husband, wife, and teachers.

Silence all that made you believe that you are not enough.

Silence the voice inside that tells you “who I am” are the choices you've made.

Silence the voice inside that tells you “who I am” are the choices unmade.

Listen no longer to your mind. Confused. Conflicted. Critical. Filled with ego.

Look no longer with your eyes. Filtered. Unseeing. Biased.Blind to truth.

Instead...close your eyes.

Listen to your heart. Beating. Strong. Rhythmic. Consistent. Constant. Heart.

Listen to your breath. In. Out. Cleansing. Nourishing. Life-giving. Breath.

Listen to your soul. Divine. Holy. Pure. Connected. Sacred. Soul.

Listen to your angel. Guiding. Leading. Encouraging. Loving. Angel.

Now...open your eyes.

See yourself with new eyes. Forgiving eyes. Compassionate eyes. Fair eyes.

Hear your thoughts with new ears. Listening ears. Insightful ears. Ears that hear truth.

Think with a new mind. Thinking encouraging thoughts. Thinking with self-love. Thinking with new acceptance and understanding of who you are. Who you REALLY are.

You are enough. Today. Right now. As you are.



Getting Well

So I start therapy tomorrow. Mixed bag of feelings about that but overall very happy and ready to start that journey. I have a little breathing room from work lately and I really miss being creative and pursuing learning about the places where I am artistically inclined. I should probably be taking writing classes but I'm not ready to go there quite yet so I'm starting with photography (start a 10 week course on April 10th) and sewing (next Sunday). I'm oddly excited about the sewing. I used to love it when my Mom taught me. If I can learn pattern making AND lose weight then I have so many ideas!!!!! I'll see how far I want to go with the sewing stuff - there are a lot of fun looking classes) and then I'll look at a writing/blogging course and metal working/jewelry. I really want to learn how to do the metals of jewelry and make my own...possibly sell it but we'll see.

So there is my mini update. TTFN

Blogging Subject....maybe

I think I'm coming closer to feeling inspired to write. Really write. I'm not sure if I'm going to blog it, manuscript it or just start and see where it takes me. I finally have a few things to say and I think I'll talk to those involved and see if I can say them. I linked to a friend's page on her adoption story and that linked me to another and another and another and as wonderful as those adoptive Mom stories are there was very little representation that I could find about the other side...so I think maybe I'll represent. Word.

No but really...then I looked online searching for birthmother blogs. There are some out there but few that are as many years in to this as I am and even fewer with open adoptions as old as mine is...so I am going to talk to them and the birthfather and see if they mind. To be honest I'd rather them never read it but I can't really control that. Some of the things I'd like to share aren't things that you want people that you care about to read but they are important for other people to know they aren't the only ones that feel this way.

Hmmm. It's either that or I'm writing about the insane chronicles of my daily mind flopping on marriage and kids :)