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Thursday, February 24, 2011

Unravelling Me

I wrote this blog a couple of weeks ago...decided it was too personal and deleted it. I am trying to determine what my word/phrase for this year will be and I keep coming back to a theme of living out loud. I mean that in so many ways - I'm out as a lesbian in my personal life but I make my family members too comfortable with it - so I still hide. I am a people pleaser so I worry that I lose myself in my desire to please if I am really going to be unapologetically me then I need to put this post back up even though it is hard for me to put this subject matter out there.

Here it I am showing my vulnerable little underbelly...

I'm wondering how to unravel negative messages that are so knit in to the fabric of my being that it feels as if unwinding them may unwind me.

I am in a loving relationship with a wonderful person who loves and accepts me for me and yet I still struggle with these messages about sex and sexuality from my formative years; I don't know how to fix them. There is an inner vixen in there...someone who likes and enjoys sex but she is completely imprisoned by a woman who feels guilt and shame about her past and who carries and wears the disappointment of her family. I carry it to bed every night...wearing it like an old, ugly robe. That robe needs to be burned. I want it to be burned. I need it to be burned.

It's not even about the fact that I'm in a same-sex relationship...I had this same issue when I dated men. My first memory of a sexual experience was being 4 or 5 and my Mom found me with a stuffed animal between my legs and I got a spanking for it. I was told that it was a sin to do touch yourself in any way. My parents had sex but it was very secretive. Not that you want it in front of your children but they acted like it was dirty and something to be hidden from me. I don't think they felt that way about it - but that was the message.

Then there are the things I've done along the way that go against what I want to believe about myself. I want to believe that I'm a good girl. That I'm a good Christian/Spirit. That I'm a good person...but how do you believe that with a past like mine? I would never let anyone talk about my worst enemy the way I talk to myself - that has to stop. I've forgiven myself for some things but others I don't know how to let go of such a far departure from my own morals and beliefs. I carry such pain and shame around with me every day and I don't want that any more. I want to lay it down and be free.

So, I need to forgive me for having sex for the first time with the wrong motives...I did it because I was going through a very tough time with the church I grew up in and I was rebelling against God.

I need to forgive myself for having sex for the wrong reasons in most subsequent relationships - I did it to get the guy or get the girl or get the approval and the love I so wanted.

I need to forgive myself for a relationship with a married man. Wow. That one is hard to write down. That one is the one I can't bring myself to forgive. That one scars my soul.

I have forgiven myself for getting pregnant and placing that child for is a continual source of joy and pain and when I struggle with issues around adoption I struggle with sex.

Funny enough the thing I feel least guilty about is the thing you'd think I'd feel most guilty about: being in a same-sex relationship. It goes against everything I was raised to believe...but I've done so much reading and praying and soul-searching about it that this is the one thing I don't feel guilty about. I hate that I've disappointed my family and I do wear that shame but I've also really turned a corner on that in the last couple of years and am becoming more willing to let them wear their own shame and not take it on as my own. Now I need to not let their secrecy become my secrecy - I'm not sure how to do that while still honoring their wishes - but I'm learning.

Wow. I'm not sure I can post this. I'm not sure this is what I want out there for public consumption no matter how little my little blog is read...but then again that is what I'm fighting against...letting my shame and guilt force me back in the dark and only portray to others that which I want to accept as part of myself. I think I'm really struggling with this as I'm on this diet and losing weight - losing my safety blanket of self comfort and my way of keeping myself unattractive - as I go through this process I have to stand up and face my demons. I'm ready. I have to be. I only have half my life left to live and I want to live it with joy and laughter and peace and happiness and intimacy and freedom and lots of love in all of my relationships.

OK, I'm going to hit Post and put it out there because funny enough I have no problems telling people about my sexual orientation but there are a few things that to me are so unforgiveable that I can hardly speak them out loud. So that is what I need to speak. That is what I need to put a voice shame needs a voice so that it can be silenced inside this prison of a mind.

To quote one of my favorite lines in one of my favorite movies (So I Married an Axe Murderer), "I have two words for you my friend, 'therapy'."

Morning ritual

My partner has been home the last few days completely throwing off my morning ritual. One thing I still maintain is my love affair with Giuseppe (the espresso machine). We have these lovely moments together in the morning that I like. To meditating. Everything g else goes away and it is just me, him, the new Starbucks bean (one of the few I like from Starbucks), my vanilla stevia and hard to see hut very important is my tiny spoon I took as a souvenir from our UK office (in fairness the waiter there gave it to me because I loved that spoon so much). These are some oft favorite moments in the day. The smell if the coffee and the anticipation of what the day might bring.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Need a theme

I read something today that I really liked and am going to mimic. I read a blog from a jewelry designer that talked about choosing a word or phrase every year instead of a resolution. You put that word/phrase where you see it every day and in the morning you look at it and remind yourself to make decisions that support it. I love this...except now I needy word/phrase. I know what I want to get out if this year but I have no idea how to sum it up simply, small enough to fit on a pendant or even a sticky note. My thoughts so far are:

live out loud

love thyself as you love thy neighbor

Yes that may be a tad sacrilegious but if you know me you know I extend much more kindness to others than I do to myself.

I am enough

Ok. I had a few more but I left my sticky downstairs and my girlfriend is insisting I cuddle because she is an iceberg.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Coming back to life

Pictured...Baha'i temple in Evanston, IL

I'm slowly starting to recover from last year's madness. The theme of last year was:
1 - I hated my job
2 - I worked too much
3 - There was too much drama at work
4 - I had no personal time and was burning out
5 - I travelled too much
6 - I hated my job (I may have mentioned that

I've stopped and started writing, bloggin and taking pictures off and on for...well forever. So now I feel like I'm coming out of last year and getting back in touch with myself. I'm reading more, I'm listening to jazz, I'm enjoying this diet I'm on (see my other blog), I've taken a few pictures and am enrolled for a class...all the things that mean I'm coming back from the year I had and returning to life. I had no life last year and I felt it aging me...sucking the joy out of me...eating at my soul and my happy inner self.

So now I've started missing what my friends and I call the "woo-woo." It's the things that are a little weird to those who don't share the "goddess in me goddess in the tree" spirit...I have to admit I'm somewhere in both categories...I live in between the woo woo and the analytic...but that's another blog. I'm contemplating taking my tingy, barely read blog and seeing if I finally have something to say that is perhaps for more mass consumption. But honestly I don't know where to start. How do you make your blog known? How do you get followers outside of your direct circle of friends? I am sure I could google it, Bing it, Facebook all those non-verb-verby things that everyone does but I'd really just like to come up with it organically.

I was on the plane on the way home from my work trip to CA and had a little conversation with God about writing...and I felt like He told me that I have something to say and I should just start writing. But what? A book? A blog? A letter? What do I write? I swear I heard God snicker a little knowing I'd have to figure that one out on my own. I love Him but sometimes he is a shifty little bugger.

So what do I need? A website? Knowledge of how to make a website? A muse? A subject? A clue? Man, I am wearing out the poor question mark key right now!!!

More to come, I'm sure.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Happy Birthday to ME!

Trying to save money for our upcoming move to Colorado (Octoberish) so not buying myself the normal ridiculous birthday gift I usually indulge in. But my lovely, wonderful, thoughtful partner gave me what I wanted most (besides unconditional love and acceptance...yeah yeah besides that) photography class! Seven weeks to start. I'm so excited. I'm pinging off the walls! ping! ping! pingpingpingpingping!!!!