Search This Blog

Friday, February 5, 2010

Babblings from another country

It has been so long since I've attempted to write. I realized tonight that my life is too full of clutter and noise to be able to hear my thoughts, hear my heart and speak any kind of truth about me and who I am. I used to feel certain I knew myself but lately I feel me, myself and I are estranged. I'd like to get reacquainted.

I tried to think about what I'm doing or feeling when I am most genuine and connected with myself. I'm sad to say that the things I do that make me feel alive are the things I spend very little energy on. I feel I am being truly me when I am cooking, writing, organizing (I can't help it...I am creative but am MUCH too cerebral for my own good), beading or photographing.

So in thinking about photography I realized that I don't photograph people. I looked at an old friend's photo website - she is this cool bohemian chick who designs fingerless arm gloves and photographs people. Her photos capture people's souls. She brings something good out in everyone around her. She rarely photographs a thing - it's always a person. She does this because she is so comfortable in her own skin and is so open to others that the camera is a connector between her and other people. The camera is a buffer for me. I'm uncomfortable with other people because I'm uncomfortable with me. I'm not sure when that happened but it isn't an acceptable way to live life.

I want to be open and warm and friendly and free instead of guarded and wary and cerebral and trapped. I have to leave my corporate job. I know that I do. I don't know what I'll do instead. That's scary. I'm giving myself 2010 to figure myself out and come up with a plan. I like my cushy salary and the sense of worth I get from being good at what I do but at the end of the day I work for some people that sell some stuff. If I were snuffed off the planet tomorrow I didn't leave enough footprints on the Earth for it to know I was here and that I'm gone. That's not the life I want to live.

So how to I go from living life in my head to living life in my heart? I am as real and genuine a person as I know how to be but somewhere in the last few years of my life I have lost myself in all the business, noise and clutter. I am never really alone with me and my thoughts. I am never really connecting with other people on a deeper level - not even my partner. That is a hard thing to admit. Why I am admitting it on the web I am not sure but there is a certain comfort in admitting your shortcomings for public consumption even if there is no public.

I'd like to be a little more bohemian.
I'd like to be a lot more open.
I'd like to be a little more spiritual.
I'd like to be a lot more creative.
I'd like to be a little more giving.
I'd like to be a lot more active.
I'd like to reach out to others and in service to them help myself.

It is 1AM in Malaysia and I fly home tomorrow. I should try and get some sleep. Tomorrow I will explore the city of Kuala Lumpur on my own for a few hours before I get on a plane. I'm looking forward to being my own company.

Oh...I am going to commit to taking a photo every day for the next 3 months. Today's is my profile pic. I was laying there feeling contemplative and wondered what others see when they see that's today's photo. I probably won't be able to post one every day but I'll take it and play catch-up.

No comments:

Post a Comment