It's been a big couple of weeks - to put it lightly. I told my parents I live with my partner...I moved in to a new place...I am interviewing for a new job...I scheduled sinus surgery...my parents came for my surgery...I had my surgery...I stayed over in the hospital after surgery...I've been home for a few days now with my partner and my parents and my sinuses...and we are all healing. I didn't realize how broken I felt not being authetic with my own family...I am after all an adult lying to her family...but it felt necessary to insulate us all in our happy/unhappy denial. But now here it is - I was in need of surgery and wanted my family here - I was moving and it all seemed to come together. I'm sure I'll be processing these feelings and thoughts for days but I'd like to hang on to this feeling for just a bit and marinate in it. It feels like some tiny thing that was dark and broken was brought in to the light and fixed. Nothing Earth shattering happened except that for the first time in a long time...long before I started dating women even...I allowed my family in to my every day life and they still liked me...and still loved me...and maybe liked me more than before for having seen me as I am as an adult rather than who I was as a youth.
I want to start thinking about what I eat, why I eat and how to be kinder to myself in those choices. As my nose heals I hope some of my soul heals as well. I hope to let down a little of this need to be perceived as who I am supposed to be and allow people to accept me for who I am.
I miss my Dallas friends today. I wish they were here. I do love my new friends here and am starting to build a little community. It takes time but it is happening. I am going to try and sleep and perhaps tomorrow this will seem more clear.