Practicing Gratitude

My life is so busy, even when I am sitting still.
I fill every moment with activities, thoughts, feelings, sounds, sights, sensations.
Even when I sit to relax my mind is active.
I watch TV but it doesn't relax me it only distracts me.
I want to practice mindfulness and being present. I can be present for others and hold space for them but I struggle to be present with myself.

Happiness is not a feeling. Happiness is a choice.
I believe that happiness is rooted in a knowingness that your life has meaning and being grateful for that meaning and for your life.
Even in the hard times knowing your purpose and meaning and practicing gratitude can allow you to be a happy person. You may lack the feeling of happiness but you won't lack the knowledge that, as my favorite saint (Julian of Norwich) says, "All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well."

I know my life has meaning and purpose but I am not always clear on what that is. While I search for that purpose I will practice gratitude.

I am grateful for love. The love of my partner and best friend. The love of my family. The love of friends.

I am grateful to be a work in progress. I'm grateful for the chance to grow and change and learn. I'm grateful that I have people around me who accept and encourage these changes and tolerate me when I enter strange periods of thought or feelings and love me through them.

I am grateful for things I often take for granted like running water, a refrigerator, plentiful supply of food, and knowing where I will eat and sleep every day and night.

I am grateful for alone time. This time of the week where my partner is at work, the house is quiet, and I can sit and be silent.

I am grateful for the people in my past. While I have released them from my present, I'm grateful to have known, loved, and been loved by some lovely and not so lovely people. Some of them I miss in my life, others I'm relieved to no longer know - but I hold a place in my heart for every one of them who I called in to my life for that season.

I'm grateful for those awkward endings...not unlike this one. Goodnight. 

Journeying through the Last Frontier state

Testing to see what this will look like if I publish it. If it works then I'll write more. Don't want to waste time on this software if it doesn't upload right to my blog!!!!

How do you know?

How do you know the difference between confidence and ego?

How do you know the difference between ego and your inner voice?

How do you know the difference between your inner voice and God/higher power?

How do you know the difference between God and the Universe?

How do you know the difference between the Universe and fate?

How do you know the difference between fate and coincidence?

How do you know the difference between coincidence and destiny?

How do you know the difference between destiny and consequence?

How do you know the difference between consequence and karma?

How do you know the difference between karma and punishment?

How do you know the difference between punishment and lessons?

How do you know the difference between lessons and learning?

How do you know the difference between learning and knowing?

How do you know the difference between knowing and seeing?

How do you know the difference between seeing and premonition?

How do you know the difference between premonition and the self's desire?

How do you know the difference between the self's desire and God's desire?

How do you know the difference between God's desire and the flesh's desire?

How do you know the difference between the flesh's desire and lust?

How do you know the difference between lust and love?

When it comes to love.........how do you know?


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Location:Hong Kong

Home - a follow up



My Mom and I at Christmas in the Keys - Swordfishing



My visit to see my family was rough and fantastic all at the same time. I know they love me - but I so crave their approval and affirmation - which is something that is hard to come by in my family. It is especially rough with my Mom. But I feel like we turned a little bit of a corner. On Sunday, while I was visiting with my Partner's family, my Mom went to the hospital with chest pains. She was fine but had to go for stress tests and one of those indicated the need for a heart cath. That has all turned out fine as well but I think it served as a reminder for both of us that our time together isn't guaranteed so we need to make the most of it. I went back over Sunday night and stayed with them. It was a totally different feeling - less tense and more open and real. It was a very pleasant evening and a better end to the visit. I'm glad I went back or I would have left Texas feeling discouraged, unhappy and dissatisfied with our visit.

I'm never going to have the relationship I want with them but I can have a different one. I can call more and be around more and show them that I love them - even if I'm not exactly who they want me to be. I haven't shown that enough. So, things ended on a better note than where we started, for which I'm grateful...but I still need therapy! :)

Home?

I am in my parent's home. It is not where I grew up. I have never lived in this house so I don't know if I can call it home. I love them and I am so happy to be with them but I hate that we are so distant. Not just in distance but in emotion. I have always sought their approval and acceptance and right or wrong I always feel like I fail. Today was certainly no exception. I wish I knew how to not need or want this. I wish I knew how to be enough for myself by myself. I sadly do not. It shreds my heart when my mother does not care that I am moving closer. It hurts to feel her silent disapproval when I speak of my partner. I want her to see all the other things about me that she can be proud of but sadly I don't think she sees anything but what she perceives as my lost potential.

On the up side I guess I know what I will be discussing in therapy next week.

I love you Mom. I hope we learn to relate to each other better before our chance is gone.


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Creative space

Today I made something and it felt good to be a little artistic and learn something new. Well be retaught something old. I took a seeing class and made this pillow. It's just a pillow but it signified a new chapter for me where I have the time to learn new things and create. Taking more classes coming up in two weeks and start my photo classes soon. Wow. I might actually achieve balance in my life after all.



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You are Enough

You are enough.

Right now.

The way you are. In this very moment. Is enough.

You do not have to do anything. Say anything. Think anything.

Change Anything.

You do not have to fulfill anything. Be anything. Become anything.

You are enough the way you are.

Let go of the standards and expectations others place on you.

Let go of the standards and expectations you place on yourself.

Put it down like the baggage that it is...

like the garbage it has become...

like something you've held in your hand for so long and suddenly realized has rotted...

...put it down.

Quiet the voice inside your head that says you are not enough.

You are not pretty enough...

you are not smart enough...

you are not kind enough...

you are not doing enough…

Silence your inner mother. Silence your inner father. Silence your inner family, friends, husband, wife, and teachers.

Silence all that made you believe that you are not enough.

Silence the voice inside that tells you “who I am” are the choices you've made.

Silence the voice inside that tells you “who I am” are the choices unmade.

Listen no longer to your mind. Confused. Conflicted. Critical. Filled with ego.

Look no longer with your eyes. Filtered. Unseeing. Biased.Blind to truth.

Instead...close your eyes.

Listen to your heart. Beating. Strong. Rhythmic. Consistent. Constant. Heart.

Listen to your breath. In. Out. Cleansing. Nourishing. Life-giving. Breath.

Listen to your soul. Divine. Holy. Pure. Connected. Sacred. Soul.

Listen to your angel. Guiding. Leading. Encouraging. Loving. Angel.

Now...open your eyes.

See yourself with new eyes. Forgiving eyes. Compassionate eyes. Fair eyes.

Hear your thoughts with new ears. Listening ears. Insightful ears. Ears that hear truth.

Think with a new mind. Thinking encouraging thoughts. Thinking with self-love. Thinking with new acceptance and understanding of who you are. Who you REALLY are.

You are enough. Today. Right now. As you are.